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The Way We Were

by Matthew Leger

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1.
Helium 03:03
she wakes up early to plant the seeds above the sun shakes  like a fist, now dangling i watch her tend to her helium garden bleed the air  every action is a prayer  how she reaps from her helium garden hear the pinprick it’s out quick  exhale on the ground  you've been found out  said I want to be new   new  a few seconds a day she’s new a few seconds a day tends to her helium garden sets the snare  dizzy spiral all the way down  she tends to her helium garden sets the snare jars the rain for a summer day  when she’s  new  a few seconds a day  she’s new a few seconds a day
2.
Jubilee 04:32
jubilee with petty things faux diamond rings always clean under the hood smog on our teeth silk of spring you fix your web i learn to play dead a note for me left on the bed pretend it's scrawled red we've got to make everything unique import our problems from dust-caked cinema screens you watch me huff the cheapening thrust it creates a blush say i'm so lovely pink stuffed & when we're in the backroom our friends have ears to the door it's a breakdown with an almost religious core can't stand the sight of me makes both our stomachs sore you said it once to me this is what it's all for a moment of clarity with my head on the floor you said it once to me this is what it's all for i court the ceiling fan with my head on the floor
3.
Retch 02:38
there's retching in the bathroom cut my fingers on the strings the way i make believe throw myself into everything i wanna take a trip through a gardenhead grow stupid in the sun shed my shirt like dead skin pirouette like nothings happened when they bob their heads like strawberries something bursts in me when they toss cold light across my chest towels serenade sweetly watch em bristle and grow; light the way feel it bubble & bloat, turn my head it's not the way it's supposed to be then i feel her leg brushing over me flail your arms put up a fight if you go make sure we know
4.
Abscess 03:20
i feel like a holy ghost  when you wrap your arms         around my head  still i sink deep as i can though I cannot tread  across the tresses on your chest no longer christ along the water a budding abscess on your neck  i hold so tight i could pop  then you get up to grab the wine & I remember that I’m alright & laugh i'm sure you’ll doze off just fine  with one glass but me I’ll be up all night  i have everything i could ever need  still i sit here & rush the sun  until it’s light out 
5.
Florence 02:49
buckled under the weight in a strange new place we escaped to florence, oregon to steep in sand & as if friends & as if friends in florence, oregon we talked about the way the light comes down in fragments on the bay beneath our view old wounds repaired like new coming out of a haze 2000 miles away under the rays in florence, oregon we're on the mend & like old friends & like old friends in florence, oregon we talked about the deaths the pills the cash the worry & if my head dissolves again i know you'll be waiting
6.
Swan Song 02:28
the pedal boat swans  are on hunger strike their cage too big & blue  to elude,  it’s like i'm always flying downwards they say,  heads sagging lower by the day yet there’s been reports of  a beautiful clamor  in the early morning hours  by construction workers discounted by local news cuz hardhats have grown  too heavy to use & besides  strikes aren't like coughs,  they have a tendency  to spread if covered on my bed I sit here with Summer,  holdin her some water watching cellophane sprout  from the crests of plastic mountains by the interstate out west  i am sure a cataract of beer  gushes down the gutters  as teenagers slur about how somebody’s gotta pull Summer  out the rushes i confess: it is spring & i am stuck in the apartment of my head thinkin about what comes next
7.
Laminated 04:19
hello it's been awhile found an old birch stump just to trace the lines box of polaroids freckled with the mildew of time  singin old songs pry your name out but they don't rhyme  spent every day on the brink of dust    laminated sun only sleep if we must oh i've never thought so hard about you before threw it all away just to sleep on the couch drinkin jet fuel from a dixie cup spout if i could just tell you everything i'd be good roused a half-finished heaven out of summer ash limbo spinnin' sweet, bottleneck in my head you waft over everything i sip like a match  hear the sobbing from the greenery  everyone says that i need to see but we both know what weeps in the viscera of grass am i heading over or just passing through will it ever look beautiful again if it doesn't in the sun if it doesn't in the sun if it doesn't in the sun
8.
Buzzerhead 05:21
up on your dope swing carousel wave around when you think that you've found hell you've got a long way to go this suburban neighborhood glows with pinpoint partysuckers, buzzerhead twitching bummers, hijacked pisscouch huffers, baby just watch watch watch the cut i bet the marquee man with baggy hands has got you feelin' right tonight must be a holy day for the mosquitoes looks like they won your limbs in a landslide watch the children dance in a schoolyard trance as you strum shadows out of streetlights got a glass-laced hand from the bathroom mirror said your skin it used to fit so tight the doctor called he comes at dusk with a stop-gap full of fauna you wind your whispers up into hackney springs tend to the world grown out your sofa prop a world up out of the sofa but your parents know, keeps you on your toes put a lock on the medicine cabinet i can't bear to think about hole in the ground that girlish frown & it's desolate you call it desolate i call it desolate we call it desolate i can't wait no i can't bear to find you sitting there with a nothing stare no i can't bear to think about the dream i had when you told me to clear the phone, get back home no i can't bear to think about a hole in the ground that girlish frown
9.
i threw a duck into a rainforest cafe pond it survived on pennies, dimes, and gum cracked it’s head rich man, oh hey  whatever it takes hey whatever it takes to make you see my sun  i’d do anything 
10.
Butterflies 03:00
(it’s okay) the butterflies don’t care they’re busy writing other songs stolen spring time baby bliss sprinkle it on your eyelids  maybe we’ll never be lonely again fingers crossed for a moment just enjoy the song  and the trees there’s ripples in your jeans this is the way i live nothing i can say for it but hey what else is there to do  what else (how we swell) what else (green rebel)  what else is there to do / (sublimate) i’m losing it with you / (i’m walking into you)  what else  (flanked by clouds) what else  (voice resounds) what else is there to do (sublimate) i’m losing it with you (i'm pouring into you)  what else (heart comes out) what else (without of a sound) what else is there to do (inside) i’m losing it with you (the cadence of your lungs) pulsing in the brush impressed upon a spring evening for a moment it all makes sense heavy eyelids flock to the marrow of the brush
11.
Prell Light 03:07
some things never change they just get old i can’t even feel it but my head calls it home i think of your car racing down my street  skidding away, a white flag was raised  you picked me up after work to grab a drink you said that there’s comfort in routine but i don’t know i don’t know if I buy that from someone so low then with nodding eyes under prell-light skies  you asked me how long we’ve been asleep  some things never change they just get old i can’t even feel it but my head calls it home
12.
Pallor/Bends 04:41
when you lay with me in bed your eyes shine like ambulance sirens & I can’t tell if you look beyond my face  o warden of silence the soul curls up on a carousel in flux it searches for a new shell  all these waiting games make my head spin when I look at the sky I see the pallor of skin there was a time when I was touched by truth  didn't just carve pleasure from all my fruits  everything's changing, then again it’s not still as dizzy as when everything dropped when I check my phone the message slips through everyone back home they’re nobody new  I keep their pictures by the sink  there’s a part of me left in them I think mal's in the hospital again  nav's selling pills to friends I had & they sit in their circles casting sun through the bends sometimes I wish I was there   but im glad im not  i think that  i’m glad i’m not  i think that i’m glad i’m not i think that  the heart whirls backwards on a cassette loop  everything’s in place when im in my room  making these records, these tributes to dust  tear the days out of calendar husks  & the soul curls up on a carousel in flux it searches for a new shell  all these waiting games make my head spin when I look at the sky I see the pallor of skin  when I look at the sky I see the pallor of skin  when I look at the sky I see the pallor of skin

credits

released April 16, 2021

All music written, performed, & engineered by Matthew Leger
Artwork by Matthew Leger, dedicated to my grandmother, pictured on the day she received a life-changing diagnosis.
Layout by Manon Raupp.

Special thanks to Riley Sanchez (of Crush Bouquet) for contributing guitar on Buzzerhead, & to Sam Kelly for providing drums on Pallor/Bends.

ZT179 ~ Z Tapes Records ~ 2021

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Matthew Leger Austin, Texas

quickly aging here

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